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[Even through text, he can feel the shock and distress rolling from Zell's replies in waves. It hurts, just chips a little deeper into his heart with guilt. He should have kept a closer eye on the time, he knows better than this.]
Thanks, Zell.
I won't stick around, I don't want you to have to deal with being with me when it happens.
Thanks, Zell.
I won't stick around, I don't want you to have to deal with being with me when it happens.
[ He drinks the information in; it was more than he knew before, at least, but it makes sense with what he knows of himself. He thinks for a moment about Zell, too, the way he got after things that messed with his head. Soldiers and survivors.
Jim's looking back at Zell this time, though it's hard. ]
I... even back home, I felt scared a lot, and angry. Never like this, though.
Jim's looking back at Zell this time, though it's hard. ]
I... even back home, I felt scared a lot, and angry. Never like this, though.
[ Yes, not that he thinks about it much. ]
Don't know.
I'll let you know if anything does.
Don't know.
I'll let you know if anything does.
[ Zack glances over at the mention of the new name. The photo the name belongs to... No, still no one he recognizes. But he nods all the same as he borrows his tablet back to go in and add both the file name and the name, itself, to the memo he's been keeping.
He switches it back before he returns the tablet to Zell's hands, but he never raises his gaze. ]
..So was Cissnei- well. Not exactly really friendly, I guess, but she was a friend. [ That much? That much he does know now from looking back and thinking things over. Those thoughts also... ] I don't know what you might have heard from Tifa back then, but while she had all reason not to trust Sephiroth, Cissnei wasn't involved with Nibelheim.
He switches it back before he returns the tablet to Zell's hands, but he never raises his gaze. ]
..So was Cissnei- well. Not exactly really friendly, I guess, but she was a friend. [ That much? That much he does know now from looking back and thinking things over. Those thoughts also... ] I don't know what you might have heard from Tifa back then, but while she had all reason not to trust Sephiroth, Cissnei wasn't involved with Nibelheim.
[ Tablet is back in his hands and he takes a moment to flip to another picture.]
She was friendly to me. [ He says almost quietly. ] Cissnei looked out for me in her way, even with the distance.
[ She was ready to go with him to dig bodies and make sure he was okay hanging around Beckett. It wasn't necessary but it was nice. Thinking back about what Tifa did cover, then shaking his head. ]
She didn't really tell me anything about ShinRa. Everything I heard came from Cissnei or Jim. [ Well, there were little bits from the Soldiers. ]
How long have you known Cissnei?
She was friendly to me. [ He says almost quietly. ] Cissnei looked out for me in her way, even with the distance.
[ She was ready to go with him to dig bodies and make sure he was okay hanging around Beckett. It wasn't necessary but it was nice. Thinking back about what Tifa did cover, then shaking his head. ]
She didn't really tell me anything about ShinRa. Everything I heard came from Cissnei or Jim. [ Well, there were little bits from the Soldiers. ]
How long have you known Cissnei?
[ Walking his fingers up to Jim's scalp to massage his scalp soothingly.
He's being patient, even if a part of him really wants to scoop Jim up to hold for a night or two.
Scared and angry at what? He knows the story and knows that there were quite a few close calls, but was there something more?
He pushes back the urge to ask because right now they need to focus on this. Taking in a deep breath as he leans close to bump their foreheads together.
Scared a lot. Never like this... It makes him think for a moment about Time Compression. ]
You know there's nothing wrong with being afraid, right?
He's being patient, even if a part of him really wants to scoop Jim up to hold for a night or two.
Scared and angry at what? He knows the story and knows that there were quite a few close calls, but was there something more?
He pushes back the urge to ask because right now they need to focus on this. Taking in a deep breath as he leans close to bump their foreheads together.
Scared a lot. Never like this... It makes him think for a moment about Time Compression. ]
You know there's nothing wrong with being afraid, right?
I can!
Me and these fists of mine can take on anything.
Me and these fists of mine can take on anything.
It's okay, man.
If you want to stick around I don't mind.
We can share stories or I can share all the embarrassing shots I have of Zack.
[ He doesn't really deal well with watching his friends die, but it was easier to distance himself from it on text.
It was easier to think that he's keeping Al company until he falls asleep for a long while.]
If you want to stick around I don't mind.
We can share stories or I can share all the embarrassing shots I have of Zack.
[ He doesn't really deal well with watching his friends die, but it was easier to distance himself from it on text.
It was easier to think that he's keeping Al company until he falls asleep for a long while.]
There is when it makes you choke.
[ They've talked about this, or something like it, but Jim hasn't been able to let go of the feeling entirely. ]
If I'd been like this back home, I couldn't have saved the legacy. If you'd been, you couldn't have saved the world.
[ Jim has to break away to rub his eyes again, and he hates himself for it. ] I just thought...
[ They've talked about this, or something like it, but Jim hasn't been able to let go of the feeling entirely. ]
If I'd been like this back home, I couldn't have saved the legacy. If you'd been, you couldn't have saved the world.
[ Jim has to break away to rub his eyes again, and he hates himself for it. ] I just thought...
[ They did talk about it. Zell remembers it coming up that night in the store. How Jim kept trying to change topics or distract him. Him actually bringing it up on his own speaks volumes. Moving his hand down to Jim's shoulder as he breaks away to maintain some form of contact. He really wants to just pull him back in, but doesn't want to push him into a corner. Doesn't want to force him close if he doesn't want it. ]
I couldn't have saved the world. [ He agrees. ] But I wasn't alone. Neither are you.
[ Zell had support. Had people he could depend on if he did mess up. Like he has messed up before. ]
You just thought? What? [ He wants Jim to continue with what he's saying. He wants to hear it all in case his boyfriend clamps up again and puts distance between them. Before Jim can start deflecting again. ]
I couldn't have saved the world. [ He agrees. ] But I wasn't alone. Neither are you.
[ Zell had support. Had people he could depend on if he did mess up. Like he has messed up before. ]
You just thought? What? [ He wants Jim to continue with what he's saying. He wants to hear it all in case his boyfriend clamps up again and puts distance between them. Before Jim can start deflecting again. ]
There is no better weapon for me.
I'm a martial artist. Been training for as long as I can remember.
[ Which...isn't say much given what he can remember. ]
I'm a martial artist. Been training for as long as I can remember.
[ Which...isn't say much given what he can remember. ]
[ Bits from them, yeah. But he can't really say he'd covered a whole lot back then between the two of them. He hasn't really said much since when he thinks about it outside of some of what happened to him and Cloud. Though he wouldn't have been surprised if they had overheard some of the argument between Kunsel and Tifa far back. Between that and whatever Zell heard from Cissnei and Jim, it wouldn't surprise him he's got a rough picture.
But this isn't about ShinRa. -Not exactly anyway.
Zack nods faintly all the same. Looked after him... huh. ]
I'd only known her a few years, actually, before Nibelheim. She sure fooled me when I first met her. I didn't even realize she was a Turk. [ He rubs a bit too long at his five o'clock shadow as he briefly averts his eyes. ] She sure proved me wrong.
But this isn't about ShinRa. -Not exactly anyway.
Zack nods faintly all the same. Looked after him... huh. ]
I'd only known her a few years, actually, before Nibelheim. She sure fooled me when I first met her. I didn't even realize she was a Turk. [ He rubs a bit too long at his five o'clock shadow as he briefly averts his eyes. ] She sure proved me wrong.
She does look small. [ When he first saw her in person, he was being pulled away by Jim Hawkins immediately, but he did see her standing there in a room full of Soldiers. She looked short, similar to Selphie. He remembers being surprised over her appearance in that moment. Then later on sitting with her with Sephiroth looming close by, he was reminded that she's every bit of the fighter she appeared to be in her messages. ]
I think she enjoys- enjoyed it. You know, proving people wrong.
[ Going through pictures is forgotten for the moment as he concentrates on Cissnei. ] How did you meet?
I think she enjoys- enjoyed it. You know, proving people wrong.
[ Going through pictures is forgotten for the moment as he concentrates on Cissnei. ] How did you meet?
Back in Sector eight- Midgar. There was an attack going on around there and the Turks ended up dispatched to help fight it off, too. I ran into her while she was dealing with some of the Genesis clones.
[ And in it of itself is... a whole 'nother story. You know. Of complete crazy bullshit that's apparently part of both their lives for that matter. It still doesn't change the touch of sheepishness to his expression as he finally drops his hand. ]
I... kinda thought she needed my help when she didn't. At least the first time around.
[ And in it of itself is... a whole 'nother story. You know. Of complete crazy bullshit that's apparently part of both their lives for that matter. It still doesn't change the touch of sheepishness to his expression as he finally drops his hand. ]
I... kinda thought she needed my help when she didn't. At least the first time around.
That. Back home, everything was kind of starting to come together. I was going to make things right.
[ Sure, he'd lost Silver, but he'd gained Amelia's commendation. He'd done something good, and people were proud of him. ]
Now... I don't think I can do any of those things. Even with your help. Not if I'm... messed up, like this.
[ It's the same old fear, one that Jim's voiced a few times in Norfinbury, just with a new coat of paint. He screws things up, he's not capable, he's inadequate. ]
[ Sure, he'd lost Silver, but he'd gained Amelia's commendation. He'd done something good, and people were proud of him. ]
Now... I don't think I can do any of those things. Even with your help. Not if I'm... messed up, like this.
[ It's the same old fear, one that Jim's voiced a few times in Norfinbury, just with a new coat of paint. He screws things up, he's not capable, he's inadequate. ]
An attack? Did you guys get attacked often in Midgar?
[ He hasn't heard a whole lot about themetal pizza in the sky city. Clones is also a weird one. ]
Man, bet she was a sight to see kicking some ass. [ Too bad this place didn't give an opportunity for it to happen. ]
[ He hasn't heard a whole lot about the
Man, bet she was a sight to see kicking some ass. [ Too bad this place didn't give an opportunity for it to happen. ]
She sure was... [ Honestly? She had been. Way more than words could ever properly describe it to this day. That he'll never deny. ]
But, eh... Nah. We didn't get attacked too much, actually. Most of our problems were outside of the city. Monsters around the reactors tended to get more wild and dangerous and then, well. Of course, there were just some really nasty ones depending on where you lived.
[ Like malboros. Very foul ones, those, if ya know what he means. Yeeeeah. ]
No, this was... This was a man that deserted ShinRa and then tried to dismantle it 'cause of what they did. I can't blame him for why he was mad at 'em, but... I can sure as hell blame him for involving innocent people.
But, eh... Nah. We didn't get attacked too much, actually. Most of our problems were outside of the city. Monsters around the reactors tended to get more wild and dangerous and then, well. Of course, there were just some really nasty ones depending on where you lived.
[ Like malboros. Very foul ones, those, if ya know what he means. Yeeeeah. ]
No, this was... This was a man that deserted ShinRa and then tried to dismantle it 'cause of what they did. I can't blame him for why he was mad at 'em, but... I can sure as hell blame him for involving innocent people.
[ It brings back that night when they were under the covers just after Jim spoke to Emmanellain. It reminds him of his little teases of writing on Jim all the things that make him great. His boyfriend is his own worst enemy, and it hurts. How do you combat against years of self doubt and fears that were finally breaking away before he arrived to this hell?
Reaching out to hook his hand into Jim's belt to pull him close again. Reaching up to trace against his jawline slowly. ]
It can still happen. You can still make things right.
[ Cupping the side of his face. ]
You're amazing, Stars. I know you don't see it, but I do. The people who choose to stick by you do. We're all here because we want to be. Because we know you're something special. I know you're something special. [ There is a pause as he moves closer, removing the space between them if Jim lets him. ] I'm not going to give up on you, Jim Hawkins.
Reaching out to hook his hand into Jim's belt to pull him close again. Reaching up to trace against his jawline slowly. ]
It can still happen. You can still make things right.
[ Cupping the side of his face. ]
You're amazing, Stars. I know you don't see it, but I do. The people who choose to stick by you do. We're all here because we want to be. Because we know you're something special. I know you're something special. [ There is a pause as he moves closer, removing the space between them if Jim lets him. ] I'm not going to give up on you, Jim Hawkins.
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