Yeah it does, huh.
[Seeing what happened to Rhys and everyone else... He's going to shut his eyes for a moment as he shakes his head. It didn't happen. It's done and over with. It doesn't matter.
Just taking a moment to concentrate on Jim's warmth and smell. How he can feel his pulse from his neck. Pressing a kiss just under his ear. Jim wanted more distractions, right?]
I'll be fine. [His voice is quiet as he places his hand over Jim's heart.] It'll go away eventually. [He's pretty sure about it.]
[Seeing what happened to Rhys and everyone else... He's going to shut his eyes for a moment as he shakes his head. It didn't happen. It's done and over with. It doesn't matter.
Just taking a moment to concentrate on Jim's warmth and smell. How he can feel his pulse from his neck. Pressing a kiss just under his ear. Jim wanted more distractions, right?]
I'll be fine. [His voice is quiet as he places his hand over Jim's heart.] It'll go away eventually. [He's pretty sure about it.]
Note to be found after day 103 sometime - for posteriors' posterity. or something.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rattlingthestars
2016-04-22 10:16 am (UTC)(link)
Remember those monsters back at the house with the star stuff?
I think they might've come from my brain.
[ [a sketch of morph attached] ]
This is Morph. He was Silver's pet, back home. Mine now. I guess it doesn't matter where they came from.
[ What follows looks like it's been scratched out and erased and rewritten so many times the paper might be falling apart. ]
When we run into them or when I was in the hospital, I feel like I'm back there. The day I died. That it was never really over.
I think they might've come from my brain.
[ [a sketch of morph attached] ]
This is Morph. He was Silver's pet, back home. Mine now. I guess it doesn't matter where they came from.
[ What follows looks like it's been scratched out and erased and rewritten so many times the paper might be falling apart. ]
When we run into them or when I was in the hospital, I feel like I'm back there. The day I died. That it was never really over.
Edited 2016-04-22 10:17 (UTC)
No.
[ It comes out louder and harsher than intended, but Jim isn't even looking to see if anyone's paying attention. His voice cracks in half as he repeats: ] No. That's not how this works.
[ Jim pulls Zell close to him, hopefully close enough to hear his breathing and his heartbeat. ]
[ It comes out louder and harsher than intended, but Jim isn't even looking to see if anyone's paying attention. His voice cracks in half as he repeats: ] No. That's not how this works.
[ Jim pulls Zell close to him, hopefully close enough to hear his breathing and his heartbeat. ]
[ No, Jim wanted to listen, but he can't really deny Zell anything if that's what helps him. ]
I know you will.
[ That, at least, he has faith in: Zell is strong and smart and resourceful. He'll keep moving. For now, though, they don't have to move much. Just enough for Jim to kiss his head. ]
When it was over... [ He trails off, unsure of how to phrase the question, before pushing on: ] - How did you know things were real again?
I know you will.
[ That, at least, he has faith in: Zell is strong and smart and resourceful. He'll keep moving. For now, though, they don't have to move much. Just enough for Jim to kiss his head. ]
When it was over... [ He trails off, unsure of how to phrase the question, before pushing on: ] - How did you know things were real again?
You know, you help a lot. You give me something to focus on.
[To keep trying for and to keep inspiring new dreams.
Then he's thinking about when the whole thing was over.]
My friends were there. The same ones who went through all of that with me. Seeing them in Garden and hearing all the usual dorm noises helped a lot.
[He's not even going to think about any kind of doubts that it could still be a dream. That the happy ending never happened.]
It was waking up here that really...[It set him back a peg or two. Or maybe he would be set back as soon as he was alone. He didn't really get the chance back at home to be completely alone with everything quiet.]
[To keep trying for and to keep inspiring new dreams.
Then he's thinking about when the whole thing was over.]
My friends were there. The same ones who went through all of that with me. Seeing them in Garden and hearing all the usual dorm noises helped a lot.
[He's not even going to think about any kind of doubts that it could still be a dream. That the happy ending never happened.]
It was waking up here that really...[It set him back a peg or two. Or maybe he would be set back as soon as he was alone. He didn't really get the chance back at home to be completely alone with everything quiet.]
[Between digging around in the Soldiers' bags and trying to keep the boyfriend occupied,it wasn't until the wee early hours of 104 that he found the note. Downtown was shaping up to continue the trend of little privacy, and he knows if Jim wrote this then it's not something he wants out loud.
It makes him feel bad for Jim being at the hospital again without him. Sure, he had Zack and Zell knows they took care of each other, but it's not the same as Zell being there. Zell is supposed to stay by his side.
Look at them both. Having issues discerning if an event was really over or if they are still stuck there.
Not going to harass Jim about the note as much as he wants to. He finally is mostly settled down having spoke to Zack and their noise makers being in place on the door.
With Zack being okay for travel, they started to get ready for the next stop. He waited until they were all packed before sneaking the note into Jim's pocket as he leaned in to kiss his cheek. He doesn't expect him to find it until they are at the computer store, if Brian's messages were anything to go by.]
Yeah, I remember.
Pretty sure they are trying to use things from our worlds on purpose.
Want to figure something out to remind us it's over and real
Something we can use if we're ever split apart.
The only thing I can think of runs the risk of Zack teasing.
❤
It makes him feel bad for Jim being at the hospital again without him. Sure, he had Zack and Zell knows they took care of each other, but it's not the same as Zell being there. Zell is supposed to stay by his side.
Look at them both. Having issues discerning if an event was really over or if they are still stuck there.
Not going to harass Jim about the note as much as he wants to. He finally is mostly settled down having spoke to Zack and their noise makers being in place on the door.
With Zack being okay for travel, they started to get ready for the next stop. He waited until they were all packed before sneaking the note into Jim's pocket as he leaned in to kiss his cheek. He doesn't expect him to find it until they are at the computer store, if Brian's messages were anything to go by.]
Yeah, I remember.
Pretty sure they are trying to use things from our worlds on purpose.
Want to figure something out to remind us it's over and real
Something we can use if we're ever split apart.
The only thing I can think of runs the risk of Zack teasing.
❤
[Zell cringes at the first no. Then he hears Jim's voice cracking, which makes a lump form inside of his heart. He makes a noise under his breath as if to protest, but Jim is pulling him close. Bunching up the fabric of Jim's shirt as he grips it tight. Breathing in unsteadily as he tries calm down. Leaning back just enough to look him at his face. Tucking his hair behind his ear.]
You mean a lot to me, Jim. [He lowers his eyes as he shakes his head.] You mean more to me than that. You're becoming my new dream, Stars. I want to make plans with you in the future for when we get out of here. I want to think about a year from now or five years from now thanks to you. Hallucinations or not, it would kill me if I ever hurt you.
You mean a lot to me, Jim. [He lowers his eyes as he shakes his head.] You mean more to me than that. You're becoming my new dream, Stars. I want to make plans with you in the future for when we get out of here. I want to think about a year from now or five years from now thanks to you. Hallucinations or not, it would kill me if I ever hurt you.
[ Jim doesn't directly answer the comment about giving Zell something to focus on, but his hands are moving again: lightly skimming every part of Zell he can reach, a constant presence and reminder. Jim's here, and he's listening. ]
In Norfinbury? Before you found us? [ It had been weeks, Jim thinks, before Zell managed to stumble into the house where they'd been gathered. And Zell had still been talking about going back off on his own that night, if only to keep the others safe from any stunt he might pull. ] How long was it?
In Norfinbury? Before you found us? [ It had been weeks, Jim thinks, before Zell managed to stumble into the house where they'd been gathered. And Zell had still been talking about going back off on his own that night, if only to keep the others safe from any stunt he might pull. ] How long was it?
written on the back of zell's note and tucked into his beanie while he's wearing it
rattlingthestars
2016-04-29 10:13 am (UTC)(link)
[ It's not privacy Jim lacks so much as the courage to say what he's thinking out loud, but he can't deny that he appreciates that Zell is the only one that gets to see the weakness.
He answers it, as predicted, that night at the computer store: ]
A code, huh? What are you thinking?
He answers it, as predicted, that night at the computer store: ]
A code, huh? What are you thinking?
gotta talk to you tonight. it's important. meet me in the other room when I'm done with first watch. don't tell jim.
[ The text he sent that afternoon probably isn't the best means to get his attention, but it's the only means when the whole crew's there and the last thing he wants is for something to be overheard. He spares a glance of acknowledgement Zell's way, but that's it. The rest he leaves for that night.
And it's a night that doesn't come soon enough. It's far past lockdown when Zack finally switches off with Jim for watch. Rather than going to lay down with Kunsel though, instead he heads off into another room, hoping Zell's there to meet him as asked. Really, they should have talked about this ages ago, but with all that's happened...
Well, better now than never at least. He pokes his head through a doorway. ] Zell?
[ The text he sent that afternoon probably isn't the best means to get his attention, but it's the only means when the whole crew's there and the last thing he wants is for something to be overheard. He spares a glance of acknowledgement Zell's way, but that's it. The rest he leaves for that night.
And it's a night that doesn't come soon enough. It's far past lockdown when Zack finally switches off with Jim for watch. Rather than going to lay down with Kunsel though, instead he heads off into another room, hoping Zell's there to meet him as asked. Really, they should have talked about this ages ago, but with all that's happened...
Well, better now than never at least. He pokes his head through a doorway. ] Zell?
[It's privacy for Zell because his first idea was to leave a mark on Jim. Zack would have a field day regardless of the mark. The butt.
He finds the note when he's settling in for the night. He's going to tuck the note away with all the others in his notebook before snagging his tablet. When they are all comfortable in bed he'll tap lightly into a blank document. Tilting the screen over for Jim to see.]
You have that ciphers book.
We can look through that together.
My first thought was to mark you.
Write something on you where only you can check.
He finds the note when he's settling in for the night. He's going to tuck the note away with all the others in his notebook before snagging his tablet. When they are all comfortable in bed he'll tap lightly into a blank document. Tilting the screen over for Jim to see.]
You have that ciphers book.
We can look through that together.
My first thought was to mark you.
Write something on you where only you can check.
eeey can do that without the clothes on you know ;D ;D ;D
[It's pretty calming. Though he doesn't get why it's important to hear about the time before he joined the group.]
We have computers where I'm from, so figuring out the tablet was pretty easy. Seeing actual people on the network helped a lot. [Like certain pranking videos.]
I also found Angel and Rhys. Then joined up with Al's group for a bit. The rest of it doesn't really matter now.
We have computers where I'm from, so figuring out the tablet was pretty easy. Seeing actual people on the network helped a lot. [Like certain pranking videos.]
I also found Angel and Rhys. Then joined up with Al's group for a bit. The rest of it doesn't really matter now.
[When the message comes in initially, he's going to head tilt. Distracting Jim before he can inquire over the look by forwarding weird videos from his inbox. Catching Zack's look for a moment to give a nod before they continued on like normal.
Sorry for blocking some laying with Kunsel time.
Zell is waiting in the other room with his tablet out.] Yo, I'm here. What's up?
[He has zero clue as to what this is about. He's pretty sure he's not in trouble.]
Sorry for blocking some laying with Kunsel time.
Zell is waiting in the other room with his tablet out.] Yo, I'm here. What's up?
[He has zero clue as to what this is about. He's pretty sure he's not in trouble.]
[ How dare you block that important laying time.
At least Zell took the hint. The really obvious hint. Zack breathes out a slow exhale anyway as he nods in acknowledgement before... well, first going to close the door quietly behind him. Now, with the only light coming from both their tablets, he navigates his way over to have a seat down next to the young man.
He takes another moment to gather this thoughts again before he finally nods to himself. ] I talked with House about how Jim's been acting.
At least Zell took the hint. The really obvious hint. Zack breathes out a slow exhale anyway as he nods in acknowledgement before... well, first going to close the door quietly behind him. Now, with the only light coming from both their tablets, he navigates his way over to have a seat down next to the young man.
He takes another moment to gather this thoughts again before he finally nods to himself. ] I talked with House about how Jim's been acting.
[He took the hint. He did good. Does he get a treat or something?
The slow exhale does put him on edge. That's not a good thing. That combined with wanting Jim left out of the loop and the door closing. Placing his tablet down on a desk with the screen flipped up, which is both a habit and a way to help brighten the room.
And then there are the words. Zack spoke to House about Jim.]
What did he have to say? [Zell doesn't sound upset or anything negative. He believes House might have a tiny bit of a soft spot for Jim. That and he does value House's opinion when he's not being an ass.]
The slow exhale does put him on edge. That's not a good thing. That combined with wanting Jim left out of the loop and the door closing. Placing his tablet down on a desk with the screen flipped up, which is both a habit and a way to help brighten the room.
And then there are the words. Zack spoke to House about Jim.]
What did he have to say? [Zell doesn't sound upset or anything negative. He believes House might have a tiny bit of a soft spot for Jim. That and he does value House's opinion when he's not being an ass.]
Nothing good, but it at least confirmed one thing. We aren't just imagining things. [ This time, Zack's invading Zell's space first, putting a hand on his shoulder. He's not oblivious to the concern Zell's been feeling. Knows he likely has been feeling it for a while now. What to say to Jim. What to do about all this.
Zack's been wondering, too. And in the end, this is their only lead. A small one. ]
He called it PTSD, and he said the only treatment for it at this point's talk therapy. He's too young for anything else. [ Which honestly... Zack's not too sure he would trust the administrator for anything else anyway. Especially with MN. ]
Zack's been wondering, too. And in the end, this is their only lead. A small one. ]
He called it PTSD, and he said the only treatment for it at this point's talk therapy. He's too young for anything else. [ Which honestly... Zack's not too sure he would trust the administrator for anything else anyway. Especially with MN. ]
[He's going to tense up at the nothing good part. The hand on his shoulder helps take the edge off of the conversation. His attention moves to his tablet for a moment as he thinks about PTSD and talk therapy. The notes him and Jim have been exchanging, their chat about monsters, and Jim opening up bit by bit.]
PTSD, huh? It's usually common in the military. [It does make sense, though. Having a monster smother-
He's not even going to finish that thought. Reaching over to give Zack's hand a squeeze. It's good they are having this talk at night because Zell was a lot more calmer after trudging through snow and training.
Weighing for a moment between sharing some things or not. Swallowing back the pang of guilt as he nods slowly.]
He started to talk about it. [With notes and a conversation a few nights ago. Zell isn't going to repeat the contents though.]
PTSD, huh? It's usually common in the military. [It does make sense, though. Having a monster smother-
He's not even going to finish that thought. Reaching over to give Zack's hand a squeeze. It's good they are having this talk at night because Zell was a lot more calmer after trudging through snow and training.
Weighing for a moment between sharing some things or not. Swallowing back the pang of guilt as he nods slowly.]
He started to talk about it. [With notes and a conversation a few nights ago. Zell isn't going to repeat the contents though.]
[ There's a moment. A spark of surprise when Zell recognizes what Zack brings up. Common in the military. But it's there and gone. Something to cover later maybe. For now... ]
...Good. He needs to or I don't think he's ever going to get over it. [ Judging by the way he rubs the back of his neck with his free hand though... it's pretty obvious how Zack feels about that. Recalling that day... Even just thinking about it gets his stomach churning in ugly ways. How he'd been so close and yet-
Focus, Fair. Can't change the past. Can't change what's already happened. Focus on what they can do for him now.
Doesn't change the way his heart aches, regardless of the way he shakes himself out of those thoughts. His eyes forcibly narrow. ] I'm gonna talk to him, too. I know he won't like it... but all of us pretending it never happened won't do him any good.
...Good. He needs to or I don't think he's ever going to get over it. [ Judging by the way he rubs the back of his neck with his free hand though... it's pretty obvious how Zack feels about that. Recalling that day... Even just thinking about it gets his stomach churning in ugly ways. How he'd been so close and yet-
Focus, Fair. Can't change the past. Can't change what's already happened. Focus on what they can do for him now.
Doesn't change the way his heart aches, regardless of the way he shakes himself out of those thoughts. His eyes forcibly narrow. ] I'm gonna talk to him, too. I know he won't like it... but all of us pretending it never happened won't do him any good.
He will. It'll take a long time, but I know he will get better. [He's not sure about getting over it completely. It might still haunt him years from now. Zell plans on sticking to him through it all though.
Rubbing the back of his neck as he looks at Zell at the whole talking to Jim. It's not like they are pretending it didn't happen, Zell is just letting Jim come out and share on his own. Admitting your weakness is pretty hard for most people.]
If you do, don't tell him we talked about it. I don't know how he would feel about it, but it probably won't be good. [He might feel like everyone is talking about him behind his back or discussing his issues without him.] Are you going to tell Kunsel?
Rubbing the back of his neck as he looks at Zell at the whole talking to Jim. It's not like they are pretending it didn't happen, Zell is just letting Jim come out and share on his own. Admitting your weakness is pretty hard for most people.]
If you do, don't tell him we talked about it. I don't know how he would feel about it, but it probably won't be good. [He might feel like everyone is talking about him behind his back or discussing his issues without him.] Are you going to tell Kunsel?
[ It's not like Zell is pretending, no. That wasn't the implication at all. But... still, the statement attests to a point. Talking about it... Helping him out. He will get better. Zell sounds so certain- and Zack hopes that certainty carries through to the reality. No, he won't get over it completely. There's no completely getting over things like that. All the things Zack's been through, himself... The nightmares he still has have lessened over the course of time, but they no less exist. Maybe... No, probably in a lot of ways, he's being a hypocrite for being so set to help the kid when, well. When was the last time he confined in others about what had happened to him?
But...
That's different. Clearly.
Either or, he's going to try his damnedest here. They all are, aren't they. He hums in acknowledgement at Zell's request, confirming his agreement with a short nod. Jim wouldn't be happy knowing they're talking like they are, would he? The SOLDIER knows he, himself, wasn't too hot about them talking behind his back about his condition... even if in the end, he got why. It's why he's confirming all the same: ] Yeah, I'm going to see what he thinks, too. That way, we can all help him out.
[ He's seen how Kuns and Jim have been acting with each other lately. And honestly trusts Kuns to be more discreet... Gently, Zack curls his arm more fully around Zell, pulling him a bit closer. ] I'll probably bring it up with Jim one of those nights he's up on watch with me. I don't know if he'll talk to me otherwise.
[ The kid's so avid to prove he's got what it takes... ]
But...
That's different. Clearly.
Either or, he's going to try his damnedest here. They all are, aren't they. He hums in acknowledgement at Zell's request, confirming his agreement with a short nod. Jim wouldn't be happy knowing they're talking like they are, would he? The SOLDIER knows he, himself, wasn't too hot about them talking behind his back about his condition... even if in the end, he got why. It's why he's confirming all the same: ] Yeah, I'm going to see what he thinks, too. That way, we can all help him out.
[ He's seen how Kuns and Jim have been acting with each other lately. And honestly trusts Kuns to be more discreet... Gently, Zack curls his arm more fully around Zell, pulling him a bit closer. ] I'll probably bring it up with Jim one of those nights he's up on watch with me. I don't know if he'll talk to me otherwise.
[ The kid's so avid to prove he's got what it takes... ]
Edited 2016-05-01 02:02 (UTC)
It matters if it happened to you. If it - [ He trails off, not finishing the thought but making a quiet, wordless sound of frustration instead. ] It matters.
But I'm glad you found us. [ Zell could've so easily been one of those people he talks to on the network, runs into every few weeks, one of those names he'll eventually see pop up on the network. Instead he's here and Jim can hold him through this. ] Next time... if you wake up and I'm not here, I'll never be far away.
But I'm glad you found us. [ Zell could've so easily been one of those people he talks to on the network, runs into every few weeks, one of those names he'll eventually see pop up on the network. Instead he's here and Jim can hold him through this. ] Next time... if you wake up and I'm not here, I'll never be far away.
[ The blush that blooms on Jim's cheeks in the light of the tablet is a little difficult to see, but it's possible - just a tiny possibility - that he was thinking of something like Zell's hip tattoo. Except on him, and drawn by Zell.
Except - ]
If they're taking stuff from our heads, how can we stop them from knowing the cipher?
Except - ]
If they're taking stuff from our heads, how can we stop them from knowing the cipher?
[He would do it if asked.
Erasing the words before typing in a response.]
Not sure if they can actually pick what to use from our heads.
[Taking a moment to press a kiss against Jim's shoulder. Hi boyfriend. Resuming typing.]
Could do both anyways. Codes and I can mark you.
[If they can't pick through everything in people's heads, then they should probably double up just to be sure.
And Zell really likes the idea of writing on Jim.]
Erasing the words before typing in a response.]
Not sure if they can actually pick what to use from our heads.
[Taking a moment to press a kiss against Jim's shoulder. Hi boyfriend. Resuming typing.]
Could do both anyways. Codes and I can mark you.
[If they can't pick through everything in people's heads, then they should probably double up just to be sure.
And Zell really likes the idea of writing on Jim.]
[Sitting up in order to actually get a look at Jim's face. Sliding his fingers through Jim's hair as he gives a small smile.] I'm glad I found you, too.
[Cupping his face as he leans down to give him a chaste kiss. Their friendship and subsequent has been pretty great. There is nothing he would change about any of it.] I know. It just takes a moment. [Especially after the shit with the tablets a few nights ago. That probably set him back, too. Set them all back.]
I'll be okay.
[Cupping his face as he leans down to give him a chaste kiss. Their friendship and subsequent has been pretty great. There is nothing he would change about any of it.] I know. It just takes a moment. [Especially after the shit with the tablets a few nights ago. That probably set him back, too. Set them all back.]
I'll be okay.
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