[ It's a familiar, well-worn rut in Jim's mind, one that's nearly impossible for him to break out of on his own. He needs to hear those words now; he may need to hear them over and over again, in the months and years that he hopes are coming.
When Zell pulls him close, he comes slowly, but when they're together again he's wrapping his arms to cling and leaning into the hand on his jaw.
You can still make things right.
Zell's right. He can fix this. He can fix everything, he's just got to try, and it started with apologizing to Zell for ignoring him. Zell - and Zack, and Kunsel, and even Mochi - are the people that have stuck with him even when he probably deserves to just be dumped in the snow somewhere. And they did it because they cared, or maybe - Jim hopes - they saw something there worth hanging onto even when it's a lot of trouble. Jim takes another wet, ragged breath and tightens his hold again. ]
Stay with me. Please. I'll be the person you see, somehow.
[ He breathes out in relief when he feels Jim holding on tight. He's not pulling away. Curling his arm around to rest against Jim's lower back as he nuzzles against the side of his face. Zell doesn't have a problem with repeating it as many times as Jim needs to hear it. ]
I don't plan on being any where else.
[ Pressing a kiss against his hair line. Working his hand up and down Jim's back in a soothing motion. ]
I'm staying with you. I want to stay even after you become that person.
[ Because it's what partners do and because he loves him. He's hoping this goes beyond just waking up tomorrow, next week, and next month. He's hoping to spend the rest of his life being able to kiss this same face. ]
[ It's exactly what Jim needs to hear, judging by the wordless, wounded noise he makes as Zell kisses him. He believes it, and is surprised at himself for believing it; so few people in his life have stuck around, but he knows that Zell will no matter what. Even if he never lives up to what Zell thinks he is...
But he wants to. ]
So what do we do?
[ Because he knows this is one thing he can't fix on his own. ]
[ In normal circumstances, the first idea that pops in his head would come tumbling out. This moment is a lot more special than that. It's more important, so Zell is churning the thoughts around in his head. Rubbing circles against his boyfriend's back as he presses another kiss against the corner of his eyes. ]
We try. [ Pulling his head back to try to meet Jim's eyes. ] We work on each issue. [ A look overtakes him as he figures out an idea. ] Do you want to try something now? [ A pause and then he hastily adds: ] It's completely up to you, Stars. We can try whenever you're ready.
[ Jim waits, patiently, for whatever thoughts are wandering around in Zell's mind. He doesn't have any idea how to cope with any of this but he trusts Zell, at least, even when he doesn't really trust himself.
We try. The words flare something up in Jim again - he's been doing nothing but trying, and failing, and trying again every day - but he knows what Zell means. Not alone anymore. Jim's eyes flicker up to meet Zell's, searching, before he gives one of those little nods that come from forcing himself to make a decision. ]
[ He does notice the slight spark of something, but he doesn't ask. Giving a bump of his nose against Jim's nose before stepping back again. Snagging his hand to lead him into the unclaimed bedroom in the back. ]
Let's get some where more private. [ He's not letting him go until they get there. ] Shut the door behind you.
[ Zell looks around before deciding the bed is as good enough place as any. Automatically he pulls his tablet out to set on the edge of the bed as he gets comfortable. Then he'll pat his lap. ] Back against my chest.
[ Jim clasps Zell's hand tightly, betraying how nervous he is about whatever Zell is leading them to. His heart's already kicked up again, ready for a fight as he closes the door quietly behind them. His hand hesitates on the knob, but he leaves it unlocked.
If he loses it like he had at Zack, then Zell might need some kind of help restraining him. Jim's not cutting him off from that.
He climbs up on the bed after Zell and settles where he was told with only the slightest of confused looks. ]
[ The muscles in Jim's neck are tense, but he lets himself be guided and follows Zell's instructions with only the smallest bit of hesitation. He doesn't miss the 'for a little longer,' and it has him pausing before he flips his own tablet over, all at once.
He leans back, slowly, against Zell but still poised to spring away if he needs to run. ]
Breathing exercises. Right.
[ He can't bring himself to close his eyes - he wants to be able to see when Zell flips the other tablet - but he does relax a little more and begin the exercises the way Zell'd taught him. ]
[ Feeling the rise and fall of Jim's chest under his hand, while he waits for Jim to relax. Pressing his lips against the pulse point on Jim's neck.
Reaching with his free hand to feel the edges of his own tablet. Setting his chin on Jim's shoulder as he murmurs: ] I'm here. Tell me when you want to stop, alright?
[ Then he gives it a moment longer, and then he flips his own tablet over slowly. ]
[ Jim feels ridiculous for the way his heart kicks up when the light of the tablet is gone and they're left in the complee darkness of Norfinbury. There's nothing here, no candle light, no stars. It's just Jim with his eyes open staring at nothing, Zell invisible at his back.
Jim breathes the way Zell taught him to, keeping himself calm. ]
-Okay.
[ He goes on like that, quiet, thinking about his breathing and about Zell's as long as he can. It's hard to tell how much time passes in the silence, but eventually Jim shakes his head and pulls out of Zell's arms, reaching for the tablet. ]
[ It's stupidly comforting to Zell to hold on to Jim like this. He does let Jim pull out and reach for the tablet. Leaning towards his own to flip it back over slowly. ]
Good job, Stars. [ It's clear in the dim light that he's proud. Jim tried it, and lasted for what felt like a long time. ]
[ Jim doesn't respond right away. His breathing's gone from the measured pace of the exercise to something ragged, like they've been working out together instead of sitting quietly on a bed. His emotions rise in his throat, and he struggles silently, but they don't win.
Good job.
Jim twists around and holds the tablet up to Zell's face, illuminating the familiar blue eyes so that Jim can stare at them. He still doesn't answer, but he does lower the tablet and tip forward to rest his forehead on Zell's. ]
[ Good job doesn't really scratch it well, but it was all he could really think to say that sums it up. He's proud of Jim. He's proud Jim actually said something and was trying before. And is trying now with him.
The light is bright compared to the rest of the things. His pupils contract as they adjust to the light. He waits patiently for Jim to move, or say something. When he finally does, he reaches up to cup the side of his face. Brushing his thumb against his cheekbones as his eyes dilate with the light off and his boyfriend being close. ]
You're beautiful. [ Giving an openly warm look full of affection and pride. ] How are you feeling? [ Moving his hand up to stroke Jim's hair. ]
Like we've been sparring all day and it ended with you punching me in the chest. [ There's humor - as much as Jim can manage at the moment - but he's not exaggerating. Who knew sitting quietly could be so exhausting?
He reconsiders, though, wanting to give Zell a real answer for his effort. ] Not beautiful, but ... I didn't hit you. Or run.
[ He is the resident Jim expert and if he says he's beautiful, then he is right!
Digging his fingers into his hair to rub at his scalp. Zell gets how much work that was for Jim from that description alone. ]
I'll get you to believe it some day. [ The compliment and so much more. Right now, he's still beaming with pride over Jim. ] You didn't. You stuck to it for as long as you could.
I think it helped. [ Jim's quiet, enjoying being the center of his boyfriend's focus. He's too exhausted to feel much, but the sound of Zell's pride is echoed faintly in Jim's chest. He did do it. ] I know it helped.
[ He's quiet again, thinking. Even if Jim were an optimist, it'd be obvious this isn't enough to make him the way he was before, but it's enough to start repairing the cracks. ]
[ Can Jim feel the excitement coming off his boyfriend in waves? He's beaming still as he nuzzles his face. ]
Really? Hell yeah! [ Pressing a quick kiss against his lips. ] That's right. We'll keep doing it over and over. I'll be with you every step of the way. [ Zell is feeling pretty stupidly giddy that it helped. Patting the spot beside him as he cants his head towards the bed. ]
[ Jim can't be quite as happy as his boyfriend is - where Zell sees a solution, Jim just sees the miles and miles of hard work ahead - but Zell being happy, combined with the relief that at least it's something, makes Jim happy as well.
He settles in next to Zell, throwing half his body over his boyfriend's to keep him there, and rests his head on Zell's chest instead of a pillow. ]
[ Zell knows the journey will be worth the ending. If Jim starts feeling like he can accomplish things and that he has a future again, then it'll be all worth it.
Now he has a boyfriend half on him. Wrapping his arms around him as he nuzzles against the top of his head. Breathing everything in deeply and feeling pretty warm inside and out. There is hope, and he's going to keep reminding Jim of that. ]
[ Jim's quiet for long enough that it might seem like he fell asleep or something, but eventually he squeezes tight around Zell and makes a contented noise. ]
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[ It's a familiar, well-worn rut in Jim's mind, one that's nearly impossible for him to break out of on his own. He needs to hear those words now; he may need to hear them over and over again, in the months and years that he hopes are coming.
When Zell pulls him close, he comes slowly, but when they're together again he's wrapping his arms to cling and leaning into the hand on his jaw.
You can still make things right.
Zell's right. He can fix this. He can fix everything, he's just got to try, and it started with apologizing to Zell for ignoring him. Zell - and Zack, and Kunsel, and even Mochi - are the people that have stuck with him even when he probably deserves to just be dumped in the snow somewhere. And they did it because they cared, or maybe - Jim hopes - they saw something there worth hanging onto even when it's a lot of trouble. Jim takes another wet, ragged breath and tightens his hold again. ]
Stay with me. Please. I'll be the person you see, somehow.
dumb pfft <3
I don't plan on being any where else.
[ Pressing a kiss against his hair line. Working his hand up and down Jim's back in a soothing motion. ]
I'm staying with you. I want to stay even after you become that person.
[ Because it's what partners do and because he loves him. He's hoping this goes beyond just waking up tomorrow, next week, and next month. He's hoping to spend the rest of his life being able to kiss this same face. ]
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But he wants to. ]
So what do we do?
[ Because he knows this is one thing he can't fix on his own. ]
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We try. [ Pulling his head back to try to meet Jim's eyes. ] We work on each issue. [ A look overtakes him as he figures out an idea. ] Do you want to try something now? [ A pause and then he hastily adds: ] It's completely up to you, Stars. We can try whenever you're ready.
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We try. The words flare something up in Jim again - he's been doing nothing but trying, and failing, and trying again every day - but he knows what Zell means. Not alone anymore. Jim's eyes flicker up to meet Zell's, searching, before he gives one of those little nods that come from forcing himself to make a decision. ]
-Yeah. I'm ready. What do I need to do?
sorry this is like nyooming
Let's get some where more private. [ He's not letting him go until they get there. ] Shut the door behind you.
[ Zell looks around before deciding the bed is as good enough place as any. Automatically he pulls his tablet out to set on the edge of the bed as he gets comfortable. Then he'll pat his lap. ] Back against my chest.
<3 it is good
If he loses it like he had at Zack, then Zell might need some kind of help restraining him. Jim's not cutting him off from that.
He climbs up on the bed after Zell and settles where he was told with only the slightest of confused looks. ]
-Okay. What are we doing?
Re: <3 it is good
Remember it's just me, Stars. [ He rests his hand over Jim's heart on his chest to feel for his heart beat. ]
Put your tablet face down on the bed. I'll leave mine face up for a little longer. [ Nuzzling against the nape of his neck. ]
Lean back against me. Remember our breathing exercises when I started training you? We're going to do those.
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He leans back, slowly, against Zell but still poised to spring away if he needs to run. ]
Breathing exercises. Right.
[ He can't bring himself to close his eyes - he wants to be able to see when Zell flips the other tablet - but he does relax a little more and begin the exercises the way Zell'd taught him. ]
is this okay?
Reaching with his free hand to feel the edges of his own tablet. Setting his chin on Jim's shoulder as he murmurs: ] I'm here. Tell me when you want to stop, alright?
[ Then he gives it a moment longer, and then he flips his own tablet over slowly. ]
I'm here, Stars. Just me.
<3 <3 <3
[ Jim feels ridiculous for the way his heart kicks up when the light of the tablet is gone and they're left in the complee darkness of Norfinbury. There's nothing here, no candle light, no stars. It's just Jim with his eyes open staring at nothing, Zell invisible at his back.
Jim breathes the way Zell taught him to, keeping himself calm. ]
-Okay.
[ He goes on like that, quiet, thinking about his breathing and about Zell's as long as he can. It's hard to tell how much time passes in the silence, but eventually Jim shakes his head and pulls out of Zell's arms, reaching for the tablet. ]
<3
Good job, Stars. [ It's clear in the dim light that he's proud. Jim tried it, and lasted for what felt like a long time. ]
Re: <3
Good job.
Jim twists around and holds the tablet up to Zell's face, illuminating the familiar blue eyes so that Jim can stare at them. He still doesn't answer, but he does lower the tablet and tip forward to rest his forehead on Zell's. ]
Thank you.
Zell is stupid pass it on
The light is bright compared to the rest of the things. His pupils contract as they adjust to the light. He waits patiently for Jim to move, or say something. When he finally does, he reaches up to cup the side of his face. Brushing his thumb against his cheekbones as his eyes dilate with the light off and his boyfriend being close. ]
You're beautiful. [ Giving an openly warm look full of affection and pride. ] How are you feeling? [ Moving his hand up to stroke Jim's hair. ]
Re: Zell is stupid pass it on
He reconsiders, though, wanting to give Zell a real answer for his effort. ] Not beautiful, but ... I didn't hit you. Or run.
Re: Zell is stupid pass it on
Digging his fingers into his hair to rub at his scalp. Zell gets how much work that was for Jim from that description alone. ]
I'll get you to believe it some day. [ The compliment and so much more. Right now, he's still beaming with pride over Jim. ] You didn't. You stuck to it for as long as you could.
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[ He's quiet again, thinking. Even if Jim were an optimist, it'd be obvious this isn't enough to make him the way he was before, but it's enough to start repairing the cracks. ]
So now I keep doing it. Over and over again.
doing it over and over again ;D
Really? Hell yeah! [ Pressing a quick kiss against his lips. ] That's right. We'll keep doing it over and over. I'll be with you every step of the way. [ Zell is feeling pretty stupidly giddy that it helped. Patting the spot beside him as he cants his head towards the bed. ]
C'mon and lay with me.
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He settles in next to Zell, throwing half his body over his boyfriend's to keep him there, and rests his head on Zell's chest instead of a pillow. ]
I know you will. Partners?
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Now he has a boyfriend half on him. Wrapping his arms around him as he nuzzles against the top of his head. Breathing everything in deeply and feeling pretty warm inside and out. There is hope, and he's going to keep reminding Jim of that. ]
Partners. I love you, Stars.
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Love you.