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[He's not entirely comfortable with a lot of this. He gets what Zack is saying, and he got the information from House. It's still other people deciding for Jim what's best for him. And that doesn't sit right. He still feels the guilt gnawing at him over sharing in the first place when they were all separated. He might have to some day share with Jim about all of it. Not for a while though. Time and place are hard things to figure out and Zell doesn't like planning too far ahead.
Leaning against Zack as he lets the quiet stretch on for a bit longer.]
He trusts you a lot, man. I know he'll come talk to you about it when he's ready.
[It's like the affection conversation Zack and Zell had in the past. That it takes Jim a while to warm up to someone and initiate the contact. Just in this case he's plenty warmed up and probably struggling with how or when to approach it. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have issues.]
Think we could research it here? There could be a book here with medical terms or therapy. [They are in a place full of books. Surely there is something that could help them. There is also a new doctor there who has seen combat and worked in family medicine. He might have encountered this or something similar. He'll store that for later though if Jim or anyone later on needs more advice on the subject.]
If you decide to make the first move though, shoot me a message.[So he can at least be awake for after that particular conversation to be there for Jim if he needs it.]
Leaning against Zack as he lets the quiet stretch on for a bit longer.]
He trusts you a lot, man. I know he'll come talk to you about it when he's ready.
[It's like the affection conversation Zack and Zell had in the past. That it takes Jim a while to warm up to someone and initiate the contact. Just in this case he's plenty warmed up and probably struggling with how or when to approach it. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have issues.]
Think we could research it here? There could be a book here with medical terms or therapy. [They are in a place full of books. Surely there is something that could help them. There is also a new doctor there who has seen combat and worked in family medicine. He might have encountered this or something similar. He'll store that for later though if Jim or anyone later on needs more advice on the subject.]
If you decide to make the first move though, shoot me a message.[So he can at least be awake for after that particular conversation to be there for Jim if he needs it.]
[ Tears are there in Jim's eyes before he can blink them back, though he's scrubbing his eyes with his sleeve as soon as he realizes. Yeah, what future? This one: on a world Jim's only barely heard of, galaxies away from home, freezing, starving, afraid, holding onto a boy Jim can scarcely believe exists. This future.
Jim trips over the words that want to come, the way he always does when something inside his head is too big, and what comes out is: ] You - I want a future with you too. A long one. But I'm not going to let this place keep me away from you when you need me.
Jim trips over the words that want to come, the way he always does when something inside his head is too big, and what comes out is: ] You - I want a future with you too. A long one. But I'm not going to let this place keep me away from you when you need me.
[Zell is officially the worst boyfriend ever if Jim is crying. He can't discern whether he's crying because Zell is trying to push him away, Zell sharing how much Jim means to him, or just everything stacking all up together. Whatever the reason, it hurts to see those tears and it jolts him out of the guilt long enough to wrap his arms around Jim to lift him up, and pull him into his lap. Sorry, he's not going to mind how much he invades Jim's space right now with others around.
Reaching up to brush his thumb against Jim's cheek as he leans in to press a kiss against the corner of Jim's eyes. Giving a smile as he thinks about what Jim said. That he wants a future with him too. A long one. He feels a wave of emotion wash over him as he gives him a tight hug.]
Then keep holding on to me. [Conceding. He can't worry about what he might do, especially with what he wants to do is right here in his arms. What he wants to do is stick by Jim's side. What wants to do is make sure Jim gets out of here alive in one piece. To go to Jim's world and meet his mom. To take Jim home to meet his own Ma. Just focus on all of that for now.]
Sorry, Jim. I won't leave or push you away.
Reaching up to brush his thumb against Jim's cheek as he leans in to press a kiss against the corner of Jim's eyes. Giving a smile as he thinks about what Jim said. That he wants a future with him too. A long one. He feels a wave of emotion wash over him as he gives him a tight hug.]
Then keep holding on to me. [Conceding. He can't worry about what he might do, especially with what he wants to do is right here in his arms. What he wants to do is stick by Jim's side. What wants to do is make sure Jim gets out of here alive in one piece. To go to Jim's world and meet his mom. To take Jim home to meet his own Ma. Just focus on all of that for now.]
Sorry, Jim. I won't leave or push you away.
Winter's program was pretty precise.
[ Even so, Jim's standing, trailing his fingers along Zell's shoulder as he does before stepping over to rummage in his bag. He comes back with a marker and presents it to Zell. ]
Where do you want to draw?
[ Even so, Jim's standing, trailing his fingers along Zell's shoulder as he does before stepping over to rummage in his bag. He comes back with a marker and presents it to Zell. ]
Where do you want to draw?
[ Jim tilts his head up to meet the kiss, keeping it chaste but lingering as long as Zell will let him.
When they part, though, he's meeting Zell's eyes again, willing him to understand what Jim means through his expression. ]
You will be. But it's ... it's alright not to be, sometimes. I think.
When they part, though, he's meeting Zell's eyes again, willing him to understand what Jim means through his expression. ]
You will be. But it's ... it's alright not to be, sometimes. I think.
[He'll churn that over in his head. Winter seems special. Might be because she's smart?
All thoughts go to a screeching halt as Jim moves. Going to be very distracted with letting his gaze drop to Jim's rear as he rummages through his bag. When Jim turns back, Zell is going to fail on looking inconspicuous. Whoops.
Sitting up and then taking the marker. Only to swallow a bit as he looks Jim over slowly.]
Where do you want me?
All thoughts go to a screeching halt as Jim moves. Going to be very distracted with letting his gaze drop to Jim's rear as he rummages through his bag. When Jim turns back, Zell is going to fail on looking inconspicuous. Whoops.
Sitting up and then taking the marker. Only to swallow a bit as he looks Jim over slowly.]
Where do you want me?
[Meeting his gaze and holding it for a while before moving to press a kiss against his forehead.]
Yeah....I know. [And for a reversal, he'll pat his lap.] Is it alright to keep leaning on you when I'm not?
Yeah....I know. [And for a reversal, he'll pat his lap.] Is it alright to keep leaning on you when I'm not?
[ Jim climbs into it carefully, sideways rather than straddling Zell so that he can lean his head on Zell's chest. ] Any time you need to. I can carry you.
[ Jim's afraid he's not strong enough to keep that promise, even as he makes it, but it's something he knows Zell needs and that makes him brave. ]
[ Jim's afraid he's not strong enough to keep that promise, even as he makes it, but it's something he knows Zell needs and that makes him brave. ]
[Wrapping his arms around him to give a hug.] I'll be in your care. [Rubbing his face against his boyfriend's head.] It goes both ways. I'll carry you when you need it. [Kissing his hair.] Or when you want it.
[ Maybe it's other people deciding what's best for Jim. Maybe that's wrong. But last time he had...
He leans back on Zell in turn, blowing out a breath. Listens to him talking about trust. Talking about research and therapy and all of that. House had said that it hadn't been his field which means there could be more information out there. More out there to help Jim. But then there's that underlying feeling of just how far to push. How many people to ask. He doesn't want this spread. Doesn't want it used against Jim. Especially now with Joker around, too, if something were to happen, if Joker were to somehow get a hold of him-
No. Don't think about that. Think about other options. Safer options. Roll 'em around in your head and move forward. ] Let's look into books before you hit the hay with him then. And as far as talking with him, I'll shoot you a message when I do. I just- don't want this to sit. I mean last time- just... last time I let things sit, he...
[ Stop. Start again. He runs his hand down his face, exasperated and maybe something more, covering his eyes momentarily. ] I don't want that to happen again.
He leans back on Zell in turn, blowing out a breath. Listens to him talking about trust. Talking about research and therapy and all of that. House had said that it hadn't been his field which means there could be more information out there. More out there to help Jim. But then there's that underlying feeling of just how far to push. How many people to ask. He doesn't want this spread. Doesn't want it used against Jim. Especially now with Joker around, too, if something were to happen, if Joker were to somehow get a hold of him-
No. Don't think about that. Think about other options. Safer options. Roll 'em around in your head and move forward. ] Let's look into books before you hit the hay with him then. And as far as talking with him, I'll shoot you a message when I do. I just- don't want this to sit. I mean last time- just... last time I let things sit, he...
[ Stop. Start again. He runs his hand down his face, exasperated and maybe something more, covering his eyes momentarily. ] I don't want that to happen again.
I'm not letting go even if you do. [ Sure, if Zell really wanted to leave, Jim would stand aside even as the selfish part of him screamed. Zell's happiness is more important than him staying with Jim. But that's painfully impossible to think about just yet, and it isn't what's happening here. He doesn't want to be alone anymore than I want him to be, Jim thinks.
He climbs easily into Zell's lap, sitting sideways rather than straddling him and uncaring of any attention they might get from Zack and Cloud or their other 'guests.' ]
You wanna tell me more about what happened? [ They'll deal with it. ]
He climbs easily into Zell's lap, sitting sideways rather than straddling him and uncaring of any attention they might get from Zack and Cloud or their other 'guests.' ]
You wanna tell me more about what happened? [ They'll deal with it. ]
[ Zell is certainly very conspicuous, but Jim can't for the life of him figure out what he's being conspicuous about since there's nothing back there to stare at. He settles for giving Zell a slightly odd look that turns to a flush as Zell's gaze travels and oh.
Oh, that's what was happening. Jim swallows, his throat suddenly dry and most thoughts of @admin and anomolies fleeing his head. ]
-Uh. Anywhere?
Oh, that's what was happening. Jim swallows, his throat suddenly dry and most thoughts of @admin and anomolies fleeing his head. ]
-Uh. Anywhere?
[Reaching up to place his hand on Jim's hip and looking up at him as he really thinks about that anywhere. There are a lot of places Zell would love to mark, and with more than just a marker. Flushing a bit and trying to reign his mind from going further as gives a nod.] Turn around.
[Nudging him around and letting his fingers trail lightly against Jim if he does listen. He'll make it difficult to see without the use of mirrors. Speaking of-] How many mirrors do you have?
[Nudging him around and letting his fingers trail lightly against Jim if he does listen. He'll make it difficult to see without the use of mirrors. Speaking of-] How many mirrors do you have?
None. [ Jim turns, shedding the oversized coat as he goes. It's freezing without it, but Zell will probably be quick. Unsure of what Zell means to do, he leaves the shirt tucked in. ] Do you-?
Yeah, I'll let you have it so you can see. [Putting the pen in his mouth a moment as he grabs the layers he can feel and pull them out of being tucked in Jim's pants. Once it's free, he hooks his fingers under it to lift up. It's skin he rarely gets to see, so it's pretty exciting in a self-indulgent, untoward thoughts way. Pulling the cap off of the pen with his teeth and placing the tip of the marker against his skin. What to even write or draw? Humming a moment before starts to write out each letter carefully. Once it's finished, he'll tug the shirt higher to press a kiss against Jim's back.] All done. I can do more if you want.
Promise? [Tracing along Jim's cheekbones with his finger. No more tears, right? Pressing a kiss against the side of his head.]
Zack is probably worn out from all the squats he was doing. Most of the day he was stuck on squat mode. [Zell's voice sounds pretty worn out. He lifts his head to look over at Zack and Cloud. Not that those two could say much about Jim and Zell since Zack's head is in Cloud's lap and he's feeding him cookies.]
Zack is probably worn out from all the squats he was doing. Most of the day he was stuck on squat mode. [Zell's voice sounds pretty worn out. He lifts his head to look over at Zack and Cloud. Not that those two could say much about Jim and Zell since Zack's head is in Cloud's lap and he's feeding him cookies.]
[Dear Zack, you’re going to get gray hairs early.
Zell reaches over to place his hand on Zack’s shoulder to give him a squeeze.] Yeah, we can do that. [Maybe there will be something useful here. He could maybe contact House, but it still feels like sneaking behind Jim. They weren’t supposed to have secrets between them, and here he is keeping another thing with Zack from Jim. He’s racking his brain about Zack and sitting on things when he remembers the weird tension and what Jim said at the time.]
You mean when you guys were fighting? [He sounds a little surprised before cringing. Jim didn't go into details about why they fought, just that Zack hid something from him. Zack wasn't honest about something and Jim was hurt. Things were tense then and it sucked not being able to help. Giving him a squeeze as he bumps the side of his head against Zack.]
I don't think it'll happen if you sit on this, but it could if you force it out of him. You should depend on him more, man. [Moving his hand from shoulder to the back of Zack's head.] Jim is a lot stronger than we know. He'll share with you when he's ready.
Zell reaches over to place his hand on Zack’s shoulder to give him a squeeze.] Yeah, we can do that. [Maybe there will be something useful here. He could maybe contact House, but it still feels like sneaking behind Jim. They weren’t supposed to have secrets between them, and here he is keeping another thing with Zack from Jim. He’s racking his brain about Zack and sitting on things when he remembers the weird tension and what Jim said at the time.]
You mean when you guys were fighting? [He sounds a little surprised before cringing. Jim didn't go into details about why they fought, just that Zack hid something from him. Zack wasn't honest about something and Jim was hurt. Things were tense then and it sucked not being able to help. Giving him a squeeze as he bumps the side of his head against Zack.]
I don't think it'll happen if you sit on this, but it could if you force it out of him. You should depend on him more, man. [Moving his hand from shoulder to the back of Zack's head.] Jim is a lot stronger than we know. He'll share with you when he's ready.
[ Spoilers, Zell: He doesn't live long enough for those.
But the agreement's reassuring at least.. about looking at books. The question though? The question... gets his stomach churning just a bit. Just a little. If he feels that bump against him, he doesn't seem to acknowledge it with how wrapped up he is in that moment. In those old feelings starting to surface again as he remembers that time. ]
It's not about depending or not depending him him, Zell. It's about- [ He lets out a shaky breath. ]
Last time I didn't talk to him, he got himself killed, okay? And I couldn't- [ He cuts him off again, but the unsaid words feel like they hang in the air, regardless. 'Couldn't stop him'. 'Couldn't save him'. It's a guilt he knows they share. He hasn't forgotten how Zell, himself, had been trying to fight past him to get to Jim. Had been yelling at him how they had to go save him, even when he was already-
He shudders, tying down those memories again. Wrapping them up and stuffing them back in that padlocked box. Letting them spring out like that will do him no good. Neither of them any good for that matter. He doesn't pull away from the way that hand's on the back of his head, but he doesn't lean back into it either. He's stubborn in that moment- but stubborn for good reason. Or so he feels. ]
Look, it's not about depending or not depending on him, Zell. I just don't wanna stand by and do nothing again.
I know he probably doesn't wanna talk about it. I've got my own fair share of things like that. I get it- but I'm worried about him. [ The cadet didn't want anymore secrets, too. Well, that goes both ways. ]
But the agreement's reassuring at least.. about looking at books. The question though? The question... gets his stomach churning just a bit. Just a little. If he feels that bump against him, he doesn't seem to acknowledge it with how wrapped up he is in that moment. In those old feelings starting to surface again as he remembers that time. ]
It's not about depending or not depending him him, Zell. It's about- [ He lets out a shaky breath. ]
Last time I didn't talk to him, he got himself killed, okay? And I couldn't- [ He cuts him off again, but the unsaid words feel like they hang in the air, regardless. 'Couldn't stop him'. 'Couldn't save him'. It's a guilt he knows they share. He hasn't forgotten how Zell, himself, had been trying to fight past him to get to Jim. Had been yelling at him how they had to go save him, even when he was already-
He shudders, tying down those memories again. Wrapping them up and stuffing them back in that padlocked box. Letting them spring out like that will do him no good. Neither of them any good for that matter. He doesn't pull away from the way that hand's on the back of his head, but he doesn't lean back into it either. He's stubborn in that moment- but stubborn for good reason. Or so he feels. ]
Look, it's not about depending or not depending on him, Zell. I just don't wanna stand by and do nothing again.
I know he probably doesn't wanna talk about it. I've got my own fair share of things like that. I get it- but I'm worried about him. [ The cadet didn't want anymore secrets, too. Well, that goes both ways. ]
[Not sure about that, he might see some already.
Staying against the other as he listens. He can feel his own chest constrict with the conversation. He tenses for a moment before shaking his head.
It feels like Zack is really beating himself up. He understands that all too well. Maybe if Zell was a better friend at the time, Jim could have shared with him his frustrations. How he wanted to do something that actually mattered. There was the whole guilt of them thinking the metal could DO something against the monsters. He helped Jim wrap the metal around the foot of the hockey stick.]
You make it sound like he might try it again. You know he won't, right?
Staying against the other as he listens. He can feel his own chest constrict with the conversation. He tenses for a moment before shaking his head.
It feels like Zack is really beating himself up. He understands that all too well. Maybe if Zell was a better friend at the time, Jim could have shared with him his frustrations. How he wanted to do something that actually mattered. There was the whole guilt of them thinking the metal could DO something against the monsters. He helped Jim wrap the metal around the foot of the hockey stick.]
You make it sound like he might try it again. You know he won't, right?
You already do. A lot. [ All the time, and only sometimes literally. Jim holds onto him tight in the hug. ] 's why I wanted to make sure you know it goes both ways. We're a team.
Edited 2016-05-13 05:40 (UTC)
[Massaging his scalp as he smiles. Seriously, he has the best boyfriend.] Yeah we are, baby.
[He relies on Jim a lot more. More than anyone really. It's amazing how that kind of bond happens. How much trust he has in the other to pick up the pieces in case he ever falls.]
Love you, my Stars.
[He relies on Jim a lot more. More than anyone really. It's amazing how that kind of bond happens. How much trust he has in the other to pick up the pieces in case he ever falls.]
Love you, my Stars.
[ Jim makes a noise at the kiss to his back, wordless, and curls into himself a little to hide the smile that comes. That's why it's a little muffled when he asks: ] What did you write?
[ Hopefully not 'kick me.' Or drew a dick, like House suggested. ]
[ Hopefully not 'kick me.' Or drew a dick, like House suggested. ]
[He's not yelling, but the withdrawing into himself and the muffled voice is concerning. Tucking the pen behind his ear as he takes the time to inspect his handiwork. Releasing his top and dragging his hand down along Jim's spine. He can already tell Jim needs a back rub.]
I'll tell you if you turn around. [He wants to make sure Jim is okay.]
I'll tell you if you turn around. [He wants to make sure Jim is okay.]
[ Shhh. It's just the lighting.
But he's not lost to the tense feeling from Zell- even if it takes him a moment to realize it in the midst of being lost in his own thoughts and concerns for that moment. He's really gotta cool it. This isn't how he planned for this conversation to go at all. He's not helping Zell either now.
Slowly... Slowly, he shakes his head. ] I know he's not going to try it again. I talked with him about that.
I know he's not without his own experiences either and he's a tough kid, but this... This is different.
[ This is dying. Dying in a horrible and cruel way. And then coming back to face that fact. Sorry, Zell. He's not budging on this. Even as he goes to wrap his arm around the mercenary a bit tightly. He knows it's something that's not just bothering him. ]
But he's not lost to the tense feeling from Zell- even if it takes him a moment to realize it in the midst of being lost in his own thoughts and concerns for that moment. He's really gotta cool it. This isn't how he planned for this conversation to go at all. He's not helping Zell either now.
Slowly... Slowly, he shakes his head. ] I know he's not going to try it again. I talked with him about that.
I know he's not without his own experiences either and he's a tough kid, but this... This is different.
[ This is dying. Dying in a horrible and cruel way. And then coming back to face that fact. Sorry, Zell. He's not budging on this. Even as he goes to wrap his arm around the mercenary a bit tightly. He knows it's something that's not just bothering him. ]
[ No more tears. Jim's sorry to have worried Zell with that at all, considering. Jim glances over in their direction and shakes his head. He's worried about Zack, too, but apparently the punch didn't do too much damage.
He takes Zell's hand in his own and carefully pulls the glove off so he can feel all of it. Definitely his favorite pair of hands, regardless of what they did today. ] I'll keep watch for both of you.
[ He got plenty of sleep, after all. ]
And what about you? How did Winter fit into all this?
He takes Zell's hand in his own and carefully pulls the glove off so he can feel all of it. Definitely his favorite pair of hands, regardless of what they did today. ] I'll keep watch for both of you.
[ He got plenty of sleep, after all. ]
And what about you? How did Winter fit into all this?
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