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[swatsflies]

@ZD
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((OOC: Zell may show messages to Jim Hawkins. If you do not want Jim to see/know, then please let me know.))

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it's okay

[rattlingthestars]

-Okay.

[ Jim's hand trail down the side of Zell's face, past the earring, to rest on the place where Zell's neck joins his shoulder. Jim's thumb would brush Zell's collarbone if not for his clothes being in the way. ]

I'm here now.

[ That doesn't sit right, though. Jim bites the inside of his lip as he searches for words. ]

But there's something wrong with me. Zack thinks there is.

[swatsflies]

[ Tipping his chin towards one of the hands to press a kiss against the top.

Jim is here now. That's what he should be focusing on.

Zack thinks there is. Zell cringes at something wrong. ]

Wha- what do you think? [ He's trying hard not to just drop his own opinions or fight against the choice of words. Yeah, Jim is plagued by this. He can't handle the dark and sometimes he needs a heads up before being touched.

But.

But Zell wouldn't say something is wrong with him. Right? ]

[rattlingthestars]

I don't know. [ It's not loud, but the words are more anguished than Jim means them to be. It's a reflection of where his mind's been the past few days, turning it over until he's exhausted himself because there was nothing else he could do. He misses the days when it was as easy as going out to get into trouble when he didn't want to think anymore.

That impulse is what got him into this mess.

He runs a hand through his hair, then down his face, and looks up at Zell like he might have the answers. ] I thought it was something I could just... ignore. Or move past, with you. But.

[ He doesn't finish the thought. ] There was even a name for it.

[swatsflies]

[ The emotions behind the words break Zell's heart a bit. He sees that searching look. Sliding his fingers through his boyfriend's hair and then digging them in the back of his head to get at the skin there. Massaging his scalp in quick little circles as he leans forward to bump their foreheads together.

He knows the name. His mouth starts to form the letters silently, before he stops and focuses on the more important part. ]

Stars. [ The nickname comes out quietly and he waits a moment, before continuing: ] I don't think anything is wrong with you.

[ There is a pause as he leans his head back to see all of Jim's face. ]

Yeah, something really bad happened to you. It haunts you and sometimes it's like you're still there in that moment. It's something that can happen when you go through a situation like that.

[rattlingthestars]

[ Stars. Jim closes his eyes against the pause, unsure what will come out next.

That it's not a judgement, but it's not a refutation either. Zell knew, too - and how could he not? He'd seen the worst of it, the worst of Jim.

Jim looks away from Zell's gaze, automatically, before his eyes are drawn back in. ]

It's something that happens, on your world? Does it... get better?

[swatsflies]

[ No judgement or refutation. There is definitely confidence as he waits for Jim's eyes to meet his again. Cupping the side of Jim's face to brush his thumb against his cheek. ]

Yeah, it does. It happens to soldiers and survivors.

[ Shifting on to the tip of his toes as he presses a kiss against his forehead. Looking back at him again. ]

I think it can. Just have to work on it, you know? With time and help.

[rattlingthestars]

[ He drinks the information in; it was more than he knew before, at least, but it makes sense with what he knows of himself. He thinks for a moment about Zell, too, the way he got after things that messed with his head. Soldiers and survivors.

Jim's looking back at Zell this time, though it's hard. ]

I... even back home, I felt scared a lot, and angry. Never like this, though.

ALL THE EMOTIONS. Let me know if I need to add more

[swatsflies]

[ Walking his fingers up to Jim's scalp to massage his scalp soothingly.

He's being patient, even if a part of him really wants to scoop Jim up to hold for a night or two.

Scared and angry at what? He knows the story and knows that there were quite a few close calls, but was there something more?

He pushes back the urge to ask because right now they need to focus on this. Taking in a deep breath as he leans close to bump their foreheads together.

Scared a lot. Never like this... It makes him think for a moment about Time Compression. ]

You know there's nothing wrong with being afraid, right?

i'm sorry this sucks

[rattlingthestars]

There is when it makes you choke.

[ They've talked about this, or something like it, but Jim hasn't been able to let go of the feeling entirely. ]

If I'd been like this back home, I couldn't have saved the legacy. If you'd been, you couldn't have saved the world.

[ Jim has to break away to rub his eyes again, and he hates himself for it. ] I just thought...

then the healing sex happens ~*~*~

[swatsflies]

[ They did talk about it. Zell remembers it coming up that night in the store. How Jim kept trying to change topics or distract him. Him actually bringing it up on his own speaks volumes. Moving his hand down to Jim's shoulder as he breaks away to maintain some form of contact. He really wants to just pull him back in, but doesn't want to push him into a corner. Doesn't want to force him close if he doesn't want it. ]

I couldn't have saved the world. [ He agrees. ] But I wasn't alone. Neither are you.

[ Zell had support. Had people he could depend on if he did mess up. Like he has messed up before. ]

You just thought? What? [ He wants Jim to continue with what he's saying. He wants to hear it all in case his boyfriend clamps up again and puts distance between them. Before Jim can start deflecting again. ]

orz

[rattlingthestars]

That. Back home, everything was kind of starting to come together. I was going to make things right.

[ Sure, he'd lost Silver, but he'd gained Amelia's commendation. He'd done something good, and people were proud of him. ]

Now... I don't think I can do any of those things. Even with your help. Not if I'm... messed up, like this.

[ It's the same old fear, one that Jim's voiced a few times in Norfinbury, just with a new coat of paint. He screws things up, he's not capable, he's inadequate. ]

<3 mush

[swatsflies]

[ It brings back that night when they were under the covers just after Jim spoke to Emmanellain. It reminds him of his little teases of writing on Jim all the things that make him great. His boyfriend is his own worst enemy, and it hurts. How do you combat against years of self doubt and fears that were finally breaking away before he arrived to this hell?

Reaching out to hook his hand into Jim's belt to pull him close again. Reaching up to trace against his jawline slowly. ]

It can still happen. You can still make things right.

[ Cupping the side of his face. ]

You're amazing, Stars. I know you don't see it, but I do. The people who choose to stick by you do. We're all here because we want to be. Because we know you're something special. I know you're something special. [ There is a pause as he moves closer, removing the space between them if Jim lets him. ] I'm not going to give up on you, Jim Hawkins.

[rattlingthestars]

[ It's a familiar, well-worn rut in Jim's mind, one that's nearly impossible for him to break out of on his own. He needs to hear those words now; he may need to hear them over and over again, in the months and years that he hopes are coming.

When Zell pulls him close, he comes slowly, but when they're together again he's wrapping his arms to cling and leaning into the hand on his jaw.

You can still make things right.

Zell's right. He can fix this. He can fix everything, he's just got to try, and it started with apologizing to Zell for ignoring him. Zell - and Zack, and Kunsel, and even Mochi - are the people that have stuck with him even when he probably deserves to just be dumped in the snow somewhere. And they did it because they cared, or maybe - Jim hopes - they saw something there worth hanging onto even when it's a lot of trouble. Jim takes another wet, ragged breath and tightens his hold again. ]

Stay with me. Please. I'll be the person you see, somehow.

dumb pfft <3

[swatsflies]

[ He breathes out in relief when he feels Jim holding on tight. He's not pulling away. Curling his arm around to rest against Jim's lower back as he nuzzles against the side of his face. Zell doesn't have a problem with repeating it as many times as Jim needs to hear it. ]

I don't plan on being any where else.

[ Pressing a kiss against his hair line. Working his hand up and down Jim's back in a soothing motion. ]

I'm staying with you. I want to stay even after you become that person.

[ Because it's what partners do and because he loves him. He's hoping this goes beyond just waking up tomorrow, next week, and next month. He's hoping to spend the rest of his life being able to kiss this same face. ]

[rattlingthestars]

[ It's exactly what Jim needs to hear, judging by the wordless, wounded noise he makes as Zell kisses him. He believes it, and is surprised at himself for believing it; so few people in his life have stuck around, but he knows that Zell will no matter what. Even if he never lives up to what Zell thinks he is...

But he wants to. ]

So what do we do?

[ Because he knows this is one thing he can't fix on his own. ]

[swatsflies]

[ In normal circumstances, the first idea that pops in his head would come tumbling out. This moment is a lot more special than that. It's more important, so Zell is churning the thoughts around in his head. Rubbing circles against his boyfriend's back as he presses another kiss against the corner of his eyes. ]

We try. [ Pulling his head back to try to meet Jim's eyes. ] We work on each issue. [ A look overtakes him as he figures out an idea. ] Do you want to try something now? [ A pause and then he hastily adds: ] It's completely up to you, Stars. We can try whenever you're ready.

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim waits, patiently, for whatever thoughts are wandering around in Zell's mind. He doesn't have any idea how to cope with any of this but he trusts Zell, at least, even when he doesn't really trust himself.

We try. The words flare something up in Jim again - he's been doing nothing but trying, and failing, and trying again every day - but he knows what Zell means. Not alone anymore. Jim's eyes flicker up to meet Zell's, searching, before he gives one of those little nods that come from forcing himself to make a decision. ]

-Yeah. I'm ready. What do I need to do?

sorry this is like nyooming

[swatsflies]

[ He does notice the slight spark of something, but he doesn't ask. Giving a bump of his nose against Jim's nose before stepping back again. Snagging his hand to lead him into the unclaimed bedroom in the back. ]

Let's get some where more private. [ He's not letting him go until they get there. ] Shut the door behind you.

[ Zell looks around before deciding the bed is as good enough place as any. Automatically he pulls his tablet out to set on the edge of the bed as he gets comfortable. Then he'll pat his lap. ] Back against my chest.

<3 it is good

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim clasps Zell's hand tightly, betraying how nervous he is about whatever Zell is leading them to. His heart's already kicked up again, ready for a fight as he closes the door quietly behind them. His hand hesitates on the knob, but he leaves it unlocked.

If he loses it like he had at Zack, then Zell might need some kind of help restraining him. Jim's not cutting him off from that.

He climbs up on the bed after Zell and settles where he was told with only the slightest of confused looks. ]

-Okay. What are we doing?

Re: <3 it is good

[swatsflies]

[ Presses a kiss against his neck. ]

Remember it's just me, Stars. [ He rests his hand over Jim's heart on his chest to feel for his heart beat. ]

Put your tablet face down on the bed. I'll leave mine face up for a little longer. [ Nuzzling against the nape of his neck. ]

Lean back against me. Remember our breathing exercises when I started training you? We're going to do those.

[rattlingthestars]

[ The muscles in Jim's neck are tense, but he lets himself be guided and follows Zell's instructions with only the smallest bit of hesitation. He doesn't miss the 'for a little longer,' and it has him pausing before he flips his own tablet over, all at once.

He leans back, slowly, against Zell but still poised to spring away if he needs to run. ]

Breathing exercises. Right.

[ He can't bring himself to close his eyes - he wants to be able to see when Zell flips the other tablet - but he does relax a little more and begin the exercises the way Zell'd taught him. ]

is this okay?

[swatsflies]

[ Feeling the rise and fall of Jim's chest under his hand, while he waits for Jim to relax. Pressing his lips against the pulse point on Jim's neck.

Reaching with his free hand to feel the edges of his own tablet. Setting his chin on Jim's shoulder as he murmurs: ] I'm here. Tell me when you want to stop, alright?

[ Then he gives it a moment longer, and then he flips his own tablet over slowly. ]

I'm here, Stars. Just me.

<3 <3 <3

[rattlingthestars]

Okay.

[ Jim feels ridiculous for the way his heart kicks up when the light of the tablet is gone and they're left in the complee darkness of Norfinbury. There's nothing here, no candle light, no stars. It's just Jim with his eyes open staring at nothing, Zell invisible at his back.

Jim breathes the way Zell taught him to, keeping himself calm. ]

-Okay.

[ He goes on like that, quiet, thinking about his breathing and about Zell's as long as he can. It's hard to tell how much time passes in the silence, but eventually Jim shakes his head and pulls out of Zell's arms, reaching for the tablet. ]

<3

[swatsflies]

[ It's stupidly comforting to Zell to hold on to Jim like this. He does let Jim pull out and reach for the tablet. Leaning towards his own to flip it back over slowly. ]

Good job, Stars. [ It's clear in the dim light that he's proud. Jim tried it, and lasted for what felt like a long time. ]

Re: <3

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim doesn't respond right away. His breathing's gone from the measured pace of the exercise to something ragged, like they've been working out together instead of sitting quietly on a bed. His emotions rise in his throat, and he struggles silently, but they don't win.

Good job.

Jim twists around and holds the tablet up to Zell's face, illuminating the familiar blue eyes so that Jim can stare at them. He still doesn't answer, but he does lower the tablet and tip forward to rest his forehead on Zell's. ]

Thank you.